haiti, take one.

i'm going to haiti. in ten days.

haiti. developing-world, mountainous-equatorial-island, recovering-from-recent-earthquake haiti. this is kind of a big deal.

people keep asking me if i'm exciting for it. i tell them yes, i am, because explaining that i'm emotionally checked out of life in general right now, though the honest answer, isn't the one they want to hear. brows furrow together and question marks appear over heads and the questions gets repeated, like maybe i didn't hear it correctly the first time. yes, i'm well aware that i'm going to haiti, thanks.

part of me can't wait. this is the part that i've lost touch with recently, the part that knows that the heartache of the past few months has clouded my view of my raison d'etre, and that i need a reminder. haiti will be that reminder. it can't not be.

however, part of me--no, make that most of me--is too overwhelmed by the things that need to be done to prepare for this trip and of course, so much is last minute...i need to finish my course in creole and practicepracticepractice so i'm not a complete klutz with the language when we get down there. i need to figure out what exactly i want to teach in my "simple health and hygiene lessons" i'm intending, and how to teach it, and oh yes--all this in a language none of us speak. (but i'm learning.)

i have had an easy 2010 thus far in some respects, because i haven't been in school. i work, i'm overworked, it stresses me out and gives me rss hurts in my hands, but i can leave it at the end of the day. no emotional involvement. and that's been good, because in other ways 2010 has been TERRIBLE and full of heartache and if i couldn't emotionally disconnect i'd never, ever, ever stop crying.

but this checking out emotionally doesn't help me prepare for going to haiti.

so no, i'm not excited.

but i'm going. in ten days.